FOOTBALL FUNNIES - Smiler's Crazy Page

Many of you may remember Smiler from old issues of Tiger. Smiler used to present a selection of readers' jokes and appeared in the Tiger comic in the late 1960's and early 1970's. Lucky readers received £1 for each joke published! This was about the time Tiger merged with JAG.

Don't forget the jokes aren't directed specifically at one team or one player, so please feel free to substitute the player's name/team of your choice! Again, in true Smiler fashion contributions are most welcome. Please e-mail your quips and one liners to

HERE'S SMILER'S CRAZY QUIPS AND QUICK FIRE ONE LINERS!

A man hands over a £50 note to the turnstyle operator at Anfield.

Man: Two please.

Turnstyle Operator: Will that be defenders or strikers, sir?

Q. What do you do when a football pitch becomes waterlogged?

A. Bring on the subs!

Q. Why do astronauts practice at Villa Park?

A. Because it's the only place on earth with no atmosphere.

Q. Which team never meet before a game?

A. Queens Park Strangers

Q. What is the difference between Bolton Wanderers and a cafe?

A. A cafe has more cups!

Steve Bruce asks Santa what has he got him for Christmas. Santa tips out all his presents and gives him the sack.

Q. Why are Sunderland the strongest team in the premiership?

A. Because they are holding all of the rest of the teams up!

Q. What's the difference between an arsonist and West Bromich Albion?

A. An arsonist doesn't lose his matches!

Glenn Roeder tried to sign Ronnie O'Sullivan. He reckoned points wouldn't be enough - he needed snookers!

Q. What do David James and Count Dracula have in common?

A. They can't handle crosses!

Q. Who is the scariest player in a football team?

A. The ghouly.

Q. Why was Gary Neville banned from the zoo?

A. Because he was caught feeding the goat.

Q. How do you keep cool at a football match?

A. Stand next to a fan.

Q. What did the left football boot say to the right football boot? 

A. Between us we should have a ball.

Q. Why can't a car play football? 

A. Because it's only got one boot.

Q. What has a football player got in common with a magician? 

A. A hat trick.

Q. Why are babies so good at football? 

A. Because they're good at dribbling.

Q. Who are the 2 coldest football teams? 

A. Shuddersfield and Shiverpool.

Q. How can you spy on a goalkeeper? 

A. Through the hole in de fence

Q. Why are Bolton Wanderers season tickets Boomerang shaped? 

A. So that you can't throw them away!

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and Jerzy Dudek? 

A. Cinderella gets to the ball!

A bad football team is like an old bra - no cups and little support.

Q. Which two players would you take to a football barbecue? 

A. Andy Cole and Patrick Berger

Q. How do you know if your newspaper is upside down? 

A. Manchester City are top of the table!

Q. Why are there fouls in football? 

A. Because there are ducks in cricket and eagles in golf.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Owen and Theo Walcott? 

A. Theo can only be let out for 20 minutes before his bed time.

Q: What do you get when you offer a Sunderland fan a penny for his thoughts?

A: Change!

Q: How do you confuse a Manchester United fan?

A: Show him a map of Manchester.

Sam Allardyce, the Bolton manager was caught speeding on his way to the Reebok stadium today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

Someone asked me the other day, what time do Bradford kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied.

Q: Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at White Hart Lane?


A: It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!

Q: How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "2006 lightbulb changing"
commemorative T-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to
Torquay.

Q) What is the difference between Foot & Mouth and Wigan Athletic?

A) Foot & Mouth got into Europe.

Rumour has it that to cut the cost of the repairs to Everton's scoreboard which, only the lightbulb in the half used to show the opponents score will be fixed.  The other half will just have "Everton 0" painted on in yellow emulsion!"

Partick Thistle were facing defeat. In the final minutes the coach shouted to the big centre half Brown, "You Brown, it's about time you got ferocious." "What's his number?" shouted back Brown.

""WHERE does your football team play Grandpa?" "What football team? What are you talking about?", "Oh, Dad says that when you kick off we can get a new house!"

I hear that Gordon Strachan has been admitted to hospital. Someone heard him saying he had a bad side!

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Middlesbrough. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures!

POTENTIAL COMPUTER VIRUS ALERT!

• The Blue and White virus family (Mainly from Italy) look like they may cause you problems for six months, but then fade away.

• The Arsenal virus: Everything you print comes out in French and then you end up with nothing to show for it!

• The Ian Walker virus: You just can't save anything.

• The Harry Kewell virus: Your PC repeats this loop, it works brilliantly for 45 minutes, then breaks down for three months.

• The Didier Drogba virus: Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is ok!

• The George Graham virus: Falsely claims to have done nothing but then you realise half of you data has gone - It then transfers itself to your worst enemies PC, then trashes it!

• The Rio Ferdinand virus: All drive privileges lost.

• The Gazza virus: Just as you think everything is ok, it all goes pear shaped.

Sunderland have sacked their manager Mick McCarthy and employed a new Chinese manager.
His name: Win One Soon.

What have Newcastle got in common with the Australian weather?
Pretty hot until December/January then cools right down and is no worry whatsoever!

Did you hear that the England football team is going to be sponsored by Tampax because they're going through a bad period?

Why are football stadiums cold? Because they are full of fans!

What is the difference between Alan Shearer and a pint of Boddington's?
The beer's a whole lot cheaper and you get to put your hands on the cup!

The latest craze now for footballers is to have a tattoo done according to the way they act. David Beckham has had an angel on his back and Sol Campbell is having a chip on his shoulder!

Mark McGhee on his arrival at the Withdean Stadium said he would take Brighton out of the Championship. He did - into Division One!

Apparently, Chris Coleman offered to send the the Fulham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

"Andy Cole is the first football player to have a University named after him...UMIST !!!!!!"

The FA had to step in to prevent Bradford's latest sponsorship deal. They signed a lucrative new contract with the pet-food firm Spillers. An FA spokesman said that it would be fraud to have Bradford players with "Winnalot" on their shirts!!

Q: What's the difference between Roy Keane and Frank Carson?
A: Roy Keane gets more bookings in a season!

Why do nails hate playing football? Because they always get hammered.