FOOTBALL FUNNIES - Pete's Page

Many of you may remember Pete from the old issues of Tiger. Pete first appeared in the Scorcher comics between 10th January 1970 and 26th June 1971 and then joined the ranks of Tiger when it merged with Scorcher.

Don't forget the jokes aren't directed specifically at one team or one player, so please feel free to substitute the player's name/team of your choice! Again, in true Pete's Page fashion contributions are most welcome, although there are no financial rewards! Please e-mail your humorous stories to

HERE'S PETE'S TALES OF THE MOMENT!

At a recent Liverpool v Everton derby, James Beattie goes into the blues changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool but we can't be bothered, we always beat them".
Beatts looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Beatts  goes out to play the reds by himself and the rest of the Everton team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Everton 1 - Liverpool 0 (Beattie 10minutes)". He is beating the Liverpool all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Anfield "Everton 1 (Beattie 10 minutes) - Liverpool 1(Gerrard 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw!! They rush back to the Anfield to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

Two Liverpool mad reindeers were about to go to a football match when all of a sudden Rudolf, the youngest reindeer, said 'we cant go!' 'Why not?' said the older reindeer, Prancer. 'Because it's raining.' 'No it's not' said Prancer. 'Yes it is' said Rudolf. Their mother entered the room and said 'you'd better listen Prancer because Rudolf the red knows rain dear!'

David Beckham, Thierry Henry, The Pope and a young schoolgirl are on a crashing plane and there are only three parachutes on board. Henry says "I have to have one because I'm the star striker in the Premiership" and out he jumped. Beckham says "I have to have one because I'm Real Madrid's best player" and out he jumped. The Pope says to the little girl "you have the last one as you have your whole life ahead of you." The little girl replies "no, we're both going to survive. David Beckham just jumped out with my school bag!"

There was a West Ham supporter, a Liverpool supporter and an Arsenal supporter. One day they hunted a pig down. The Liverpool supporter said, "I'll have the liver because I'm a Liverpool supporter". The West Ham supporter said," I'll have the ham because I'm a West Ham supporter". And the Arsenal supporter said," I'm not hungry thanks!"

A Little Welsh lad is practicing his free kicks at the Walkers Stadium. He has one of those portable walls which he moves around to change the angle so he can shoot from different areas of the field.

He takes 50 kicks at goal, everyone finds the back of the net. Rob Kelly is watching in the stands and walks down to talk to the young man.

"How old are you son?" asks the ever chirpy Leicester boss "13" Replies the young fellow.
"Well I am very impressed with your shooting" continues blues manager, "and I must say if you continue in this vein of form, when you get older you may be good enough to play for the Leicester 1st team"

"Get Away" said our hero "it's bad enough being Welsh"

Steve McClaren calls David Beckham into his office. 'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance the last few games for England. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.', 'Oh dear,' says Macca, 'What's up? Posh and the boys okay?

'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me head up.'

'Whatever's the matter, son?' says Macca. 

'Well, boss', says David, 'Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.....',

'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Macca. 'You're playing rubbish because of a jigsaw?!!!'

'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David. 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and...',

'David, David, David,' says Macca. 'You better get a grip son, and quick!!!'

'OK, boss, OK,' says David, 'but.........it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and........and........and it's a tiger and it's looks easy.......and can't make the bits fit and, it's really hard, and er, sorry boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er.......sorry boss.'

'OK, OK, OK,' says Macca, 'Bring the jigsaw in and let's have a look at it, it can't be that difficult'

'Oh thanks, boss,' says David.

So the next day Becks brings the jigsaw into Macca's office. 'Here it is, boss.' he says, showing Macca the picture on the box.

Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Macca's desk. The England boss looks at what's on his desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Becks...................

'David, put the Frosties back in the box.'

TOP 10 REASONS SOCCER IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. Balls are always checked for firmness
9. Periods only last for 45 minutes
8. Parents cheer when you score
7. Soccer is a legal profession
6. Protective equipment can be washed and reused
5. Size doesn't matter
4. If you get too rough you get a red card
3. You can score using your head or your feet
2. It lasts a full 90 minutes
1. You can juggle your balls in front of your mother

A man goes into Heathrow airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge waiting for his flight home to be called.  All around him there are overturned tables, upturned chairs, smashed windows, flight monitors broken and crowd control barriers lying on the floor.
'Crikey, what's happened here?' he asks one of the ground crew.
'Oh yeah', he replies 'Hopeless isn't it.........we had the Villa players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad.'

Harry has been trying like mad to get a ticket for a league game for his mate, an exile who is coming to visit. In spite of numerous calls and visits to the club ticket office, he constantly receives the same reply: "Sorry, sir. The ground is absolutely sold out. There's not a single seat left, so there's no way we can give you a ticket." Finally, he gives up in despair, and his mate cancels his visit.

The day of the match comes, and he goes along and sits in his usual seat. The match gets off to a slow start and, glancing around him, he notices, a few seats further on, an old man sitting with an empty seat next to him.

He returns his attention to the game but, by half-time, this is bugging him so much that he has to ask about it. So he leans over to the old bloke and says, "Excuse me, but why is that seat next to you empty? I've been trying for weeks to get a ticket for a mate of mine who was coming from overseas and I couldn't get one. And now I come here and find there's an empty seat just a few along from mine!"

The old man sighs, and answers wistfully, "It was my wife's. We've been coming to the match together for over forty years, but she died this week."

The younger man is taken aback and stammers embarrassedly, "Oh, I'm sorry, mate. How tactless can you get? I wish I'd never opened my mouth. But, surely, you've got kids, or relatives or someone that could've come along and kept you company, so you weren't all on your own at such a sad time?"

The old man replies, "Oh, I've got six kids, and loads of relatives, and I asked them all. But they all wanted to go to the funeral."

Troubled Manchester City boss Stewart Pearce was visiting the Trafford Centre when he met Joey Barton. 

"Why are you not in training Joey?" asked Stewart. 

"I've got to go buy a bag of tatties for the dinner" replied the Joey. 

"Get down to the training ground you clown, I'll get your potatoes for you" said Stewart. 

A little while later, Stewart bumped into rival Sir Alex Ferguson. "What brings you down here?" asked Fergie. 

"I came to get a bag of potatoes for Joey Barton" replied Stewart. 

"Yeah" said Fergie. " That seems like a fair swap to me".

A father and son were eating breakfast. The father's newspaper had the headline 'Van Gogh sold for £5 million'. The son asked "is he worth it, dad?", to which the father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"
The son said "Well, Chelsea paid more than that for Shaun Wright-Phillips and he's been rubbish!"

At the first training session after Francesc Fabregas arrival at Highbury, Arsene Wenger picks up a ball and says: "BALL!".  He then bounces it and kicks it and says: "KICK!".  Eventually Francesc responds: "Boz, eez a ok, eye speaka de very gud English", to which Arsene retorts: "I'm not talking to you I'm talking to the rest of them!

Three brothers were opening their Christmas presents and were eagerly anticipating their last parcel each. The youngest brother opens his and he is well pleased as he finds it's a Batman costume. The middle brother opens his and is dead chuffed as he gets a Spiderman mask and accessories. The oldest brother finally opens his and finds the deeds and ownership details for Watford Football Club. "Great he cries - I always wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit!

David O'Leary was showing his son around Villa Park, as he had always promised to do. David took him to the offices where his son met Doug Ellis and together they counted the takings. Finally, he was introduced to some of the players while they were training. 

On the way home. David noticed his son was crying. "What's wrong, son?" David asked. "Didn't you enjoy yourself today?". "Yes" replied his son, "but I didn't get to see all the clowns you say you have to work with every day!" 

West Brom boss Bryan Robson was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping.

The ever thoughtful Bryan stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?"
to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.

The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him; I was just trying to trip him up!"

"A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. 'Who's he?' said the scouser.

'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.' So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'. 'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man. 'Who did they beat?' 'Leeds' was the reply. 'And the score?' '2-1' 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply.

The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting 'How'. The Memory man replied..... 'Diving header in the six yard box'."

After a hard conference, four surgeons are knocking back the Remy Martin while discussing their favourite patients. The first surgeon says " Accountants are best, because when you open them up everything inside is numbered" "No" said the next Surgeon. "Librarians are best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order" "You ought to try an electrician" says the third, by now a little worse for wear, "everything inside them is colour coded!!" But the fourth Surgeon says, " I prefer Newcastle fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their backsides are interchangeable"