FOOTBALL FUNNIES - The Alternative A to Z Football Glossary

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z  

 

 

A

Accrington Stanley

Made-up football team  used to advertise milk during the 1980's. (see also Milk Cup).

Anglo-Scottish Cup

Highly cherished and extremely important cup competition of the '70s, won by the mighty Bristol City in 1977.

B

Baseball Ground, The

Where your dad still thinks Derby County play.

Boring Arsenal

Nickname given to the Arsenal team when the players didn't used to stay out late abusing alcohol and drugs, or getting banged up for driving offences.

Big Match, The

Like Match of The Day, only on ITV, and usually on a Sunday afternoon. The two are easily confused, since it's still less than 20 years since the Big Match was last shown.

Black and white

Slightly inaccurate term pre-dating Sky Sports, when all football teams actually used to wear different shades of grey shirts. This allowed the supporters to wear the team colours, since the average working class football supporter was usually covered in coal dust. Players could run faster in black and white, and commentators talked strangely posher in black and white. England used to win World Cups, sometimes, when they played in black and white...

 

C

Calamity James

Used to play in goal for Liverpool.

Charlton, Bobby

Suzanne Charlton's dad.

Chippy

A nickname given to the former Arsenal, Juventus and Republic of Ireland midfielder Liam Brady because of the skilful way he ate his chips.

Chopper

A nickname given to former Chelsea hard man Ron Harris because of the size of his wedding tackle (apparently).

 

D

Division One

If your dad mentions Division One, he invariably means the Carling Premiership.

Division Two

League division that Manchester United played in for a short period in the '70s. Charlton play there every other season. Not to be confused with Division Two, which used to be called Division Three.

Division Three

Now called Division Two. Was originally two divisions, called Division Three (South), and Division Three (North).

Division Four

Division Three, so called when the football league consisted of 4 divisions, rather than the current system of 3 divisions plus 1 Premier league.

 

E

European Cup

What the Champions' League used to be called. Ironic really, since you had to actually be a champion to enter it in those days.

 

F

F.A. Cup

Traditional name for the F.A. Challenge Cup Sponsored by AXA.

Fairs' Cup

Changed its name to the UEFA cup over 25 years ago. 

Fortress Twerton

Absurd nickname given to the ground Bristol Rovers were playing on at the time when they could actually win some home matches.

 

G

H

I

J

K

L

 

Lampard, Frank

Famous West Ham player. Not to be confused with his son, Frank, the famous Chelsea player.

Linesman

Politically incorrect term for one of the men running up and down the touchline. Now known as a Referee's Assistant.

Liverpool

Football team that used to win stuff during the '70s and early '80s.

 

M

Manchester

City in N.W. England where Manchester United supporters apparently used to live.

Manchester City

Believe it or not, but there used to be TWO successful clubs from Manchester.

Matthews Cup Final, The

The 1953 F.A. Cup Final, named after the inventor of the players' shorts, and notable only for being between two unattractive teams from the lower divisions, namely Blackpool and Bolton.

Maximum Wage

Something paid to players before talent less popstars and TV presenters started going out with them. Jimmy Hill campaigned to get this abolished during the 1960s, since Ginger Spice was still reasonably young and attractive back then.

Milk Cup

What the Coca-Cola Cup was called before Milk were taken over by Coca-Cola.

Motty

The name given to a man who wears sheepskin coats and talks a lot during football games.

 

N

O

P

Pele

Reasonably useful Brazilian player. Used to play a bit.

Plastic Pitches

Cheaper alternatives to grass, favoured by a few of the poorer clubs during the '80s. Universally despised by the richer and more influential clubs as difficult to play on, they were since banned.

 

Q

Quagmire 

Horticultural term for the playing surface at the Theatre Of Dreams.

Qualifiers 

Usually insurmountable obstacle for Scotland.

Quantity unknown 

What teams like Fiji are before getting a draw with Scotland.

Quality 

What West Ham have too much of to go down, apparently. Also the favourite word of Harry Redknapp to describe his latest signing, and possibly his daughter-in-law.

Quarters 

What the Americans would divide halves into if they got the chance.

Quash 

What managers and players do to transfer rumours, especially true ones.

Queen's Park 

crap Scottish club who provide inspiration to Wimbledon by playing in front of no fans in a large stadium.

Queen's Park Rangers 

London's tenth best club. Famous for astro-turf pitch and being managed (twice) by a badger.

Queue, Beat The Half Time 

Explanation of footballing alcoholics, tended to be conveniently situated in the seat furthest from the gangway, as they disappear to the bar after thirty five minutes. Not to be confused with George Best missing the final two goals of the 1999 European Cup Final as he was only interested in avoiding the traffic at full time. Obviously.

Quibble 

To politely question a referee's decision.

Quinn, Niall 

At the end of Route One.

 

R

Rattle

Noisy wooden thing waved by supporters (in black and white) before making critical observations such as "You are sadly mistaken, referee! That last decision was clearly erroneous."

Re-election

Electoral system designed to keep non-league riff-raff out of the football league. Recently superceded by 'Health & Safety Regulations'.

Roy of the Rovers

Famous boys' football-related comic book, popular when the little so and sos had any respect for anything!

 

S

Smeggy

A nickname given to Alan "Smudger" Smith.

 

Stanley Matthews Shorts

Bizarre fashion accessory designed to keep players' legs warm, invented by the legendary fashion designer Sir Stanley Matthews.

T

Terraces

What you used to be able to stand on to watch football.

Troutman, Bert

Goalkeeper who (and this is absolutely true) broke his neck in an F.A. Cup final, and played on. Those were the days when a 'keeper would defend his goal at all costs, rather than let goals in for the right price...

 

U

V

W

World Cup Willy

Embarrassing medical complaint suffered by many players at the 1962 World Cup, held in Bangkok.

X

Y

Z